Well

Here we are.

A single 34 year old woman, with two cats, living solo life and no romance to be seen – and now sporting braces.

Its been barely two days and I’ve already had my ass handed to be by a simple chocolate donut.

I hate everything.

The first week back to reality is such a back hand across the face with a whiplash of emotional damage.

This month I’ve willingly, voluntarily, by no means of threats or discourse, have started two challenges

• No Spend
• Dry January

And I must say that this sucks.

The days I don’t have work definitely took a toll on my wallet despite me trying my best to avoid over spending. Why is it you go to Walmart for one bag of cat litter and end up spending 120 dollars. Sigh.

I have avoided fast food, to the best of my ability. The $8 biggie bag from Wendy’s struck me at the beginning of the work week. I avoided hard liquor, but bought a case of beer. Right now if I can avoid the liquor store this month I think I win the challenge.

I have a good chunk of change of debt that I owe, but I think I have a battle plan for the next pay check and hopefully the rest of the month.

Well, as this first week of 2026 progressed the dumber it became. Work has simmered to a lull in boredom which should be find and dandy. But its the quiet before the storm i know it.

The whole no spend this has pretty much gone out the window, the sober thing has gone better. Had one rough night but beyond that, I have been doing okay there.

Now if only I could get the dustmites to resume their regular schedule feeding. I fucked up in trying to switch their food and i must have done it too fast maybe? Either way since aspen threw up her wet food on Friday, they both have refused to eat anything. Even baby food. The only silver lining that give me hope that nothing is really wrong, is the fact they’ll eat their freeze dried minnows.

So as long as they’ll eat their treats they should be fine. I hope.

Onto other things.

The gods below is an interesting book. However I may not be able to finish it. Simple put it has roughly 6 characters, of which the chapters feature one characters events. So every chapter is its on slice of events throughout the entire story. Not only do I have to keep track of which character the current chapter is on about, I have to pay attention to the TIME line of each chapter.

The story is about events before, during, and after the Shattering. So trying to remember who is doing what and when is rather jarring to follow along with.

Now with that being said, the individual chapters themselves are very well done. I love the world building, I love the monsters, the magic system, the characters are intriguing, and so far my favorite character is the younger sister.

Now if the over all book had stayed with just the two sisters point of views, I might have an easier time understanding the entire thing.

I am curious though about how it all comes together. I feel like this first half of the books is a large funnel, and its just taking a while to get to the center where everyone and thing makes sense.

So i will probably finish the book solely to figure out how everything connects. Which im hopeful for a satisfactory ending, and maybe lead me into getting the second book in the series.

Beyond that all, life is pretty mild. I’ll do better with the no spend this next week and continue with the dry January.

Goodie

Xoxo Scaredie

Sooooo

Hello

Its been a minute. Basically I am hitting hard with this whole no spending bit and honestly three days of no spend has been fairly easy. I’ve only made one purchase and that was for the cats. I did however sign up for Amazon specifically for the cats – food, litter, grooming, etc. Anything else, nope, nothing, zeltch.

As for the drinking, the other night was my first night sober. Forced sober. Since I’m on a no spend kick, buying booze is out the window. Which should be simple enough. However my mentality and routines is going to hlbeing struggling. I am hoping substituting booze with books should ease my afternoons.

Reading a physical books is rather challenging. Not more challenging than breaking away from the phone to stay focused enough to read the bloody thing.

As I am reading “God’s Below”, I had to make a list of all the character povs chapters. And so far there are five characters.with their own timeliness and point of views. Its proving rather hard to follow. I feel like its a funnel effect and I’m just waiting for everything to converge at the bottom to make sense.

As predicted I did not stay up to watch any sort of ball dropping.

This morning came with a weird sense of optimism, it also helped that I slept in cuz work opened up later. I am not thrilled because I have to stay at said work later but alas, here we are.

This morning I made eggs and rice which I probably could have done better with. I’m working on making my own cold brew coffee to avoid Starbucks or anything.

Dinner time is gunna be a nightmare to adjust too. Most nights I had a liquid diet of rum and coke or a dirty soda spiked with vodka. But here I am trying the dry January bit and not having any money on me helps that. However I am a bit nervous about any withdrawal symptoms. I would really call myself an alcoholic, but the addiction is there and its just been a reality. I’ve more or less fallen into it, just so that I can get to sleep and forget the day.

However with age, it has become harder to get up at 3am for my job. And doing what I do with the machines, I shouldnt be so neglectful in my health. If I cannot drive safely I could hurt myself or someone else. I don’t mind so much about myself as much anymore.

But I want to change that mentality.

I want to care about myself. I want to feel good about myself. I want to love myself. All my life i just feel like a floating pair of eyeballs just moving around, day in and day out, work and sleep, without any meaning. I’ve gotten really good about ignoring the presence, and in a blink of an eye, I’m already home.

It sucks especially during vacations. I never feel present, I always feel like “this is gunna end”, “this will be over and you’ll just wake up another day going to work”. I hate feeling like that.

I am not sure if there’s any exact term for that sensation.

So I’m curious with this month of no spending and sobriety – if that will fix anything. Probably not a whole lot, but hey, maybe I’ll actually have a savings at the end of this.

Thank fucking God this year is done. Its both been the fastest ((barely can remember it)), and the slowest most painful, mind numbing one yet ((mostly if you pay attention to any politics or environmental events))

I am looking forward to January though. Which is strange to look forward to a new year. Mostly because of the two very basic challenges I have set for myself. I’m tired of spending money, especially when I have to justify it, and I’m tired of the hangovers at 3am when I need to get to work.

Yes I do have more gifts to send out and people I need to pay back and I will figure something out. I hope. Because they deserve everything and nothing but the best.

The time to reflect has always been a thing throughout December. Its hard to think about the good times when they play brain melting Christmas music on repeat at work for the entire month.

But over all this year – besides the work place hazards and write ups – has been a good one. I do have my photographs from events, reminding me of the places I had gone, people who I’ve spent time with, and new additions to my life.

Yes I wish I had done better, mostly with my money. Its more or less, its my money and I like to buy things to fill that void in my life, and I just don’t see a point in saving for the future when I have very little to live for. Let alone leave behind anything but my hoard of trinkets.

I do have Aspen and Sage and they both will probably live for 20 some odd years, so that adds a bit more time for my life.

As the night closes and i bring in yet another new year by myself, dreading work the next morning, I just want this year to be softer. Softer at work, softer to myself, softer in general.

I’m tired of hating the world and being so bitter about waking up each day. Wondering when I can just go to bed, and never wake up with out the guilt.

In the same vine, I want to finally prove to myself that I can do something. That I can save the money and be sober for a month.

Its just thirty days.

And before I know it, I’ll just be back, sitting on this couch, ringing in 2027…..as if nothing happened…again…

Frankly this year over all has not been a bad one. I went to yellow stone, adopted two kittens, went to the sky domes, visited Arkansas…

I just can’t recall everything.

I just want to get over with these weird holiday hours, and get back into a routine.

I deleted and canceled subscriptions, and braced myself for any debts I’ll have to pay off, and am getting into the montro of saying no to purchases.

Today was a bit of a last hoorah for last purchases. Might have gotten a bit out hand but I now how 4 complete book series to read on top of the 12 books for the year i chose to do as book of the months. Now I just have to be rigourious or dedicated enough to commite an hour or so to reading. 

Definitely gunna make an hourly schedule for such tasks. Regardless January is going to be simple, read, sober, no spend. And then just build from their. If I can make any good habits this first month, then there may be a shot for me yet.

God dammit I figured the day after they would stop with the mind numbing Christmas music at work.

Anyway, once the first rolls around I plan on achieving or moving these entries elsewhere so as to not really clutter up – whatever this is.

I’ve already started on decluttering a lot of my subscriptions, taking a notebook for any purchases and reevaluating my finances. For one month I want to try a No Spend Challenge. This may also work for Dry January so might as well knock it with one stone and get both done.

Its crazy to think that its already that time again for a new year. These days I really don’t hear any more New Year, New Me theatrics. Probably because of how shitty the world has become and how little there is to look forward too any more. The earth is dieing, people are starving, and just nothing is getting done to change it.

It was 60 degrees here and people were wandering around in shorts and flip flops IN DECEMBER!

The so called magic of Christmas has been lost from me for the last 5 plus years. Especially working retail and they do not give a flying fuck if you really really really want to see your family.

Also doesn’t help that I’ve isolated myself from any family member by 10 hours or so, and am to scared and stubborn to leave the apartment because of how dark I view the world.

Moving now with two cats and being forced to live with some random jack ass again does not sound remotely fun and I do not trust anyone beyond five people.

I don’t see much opportunity for myself these days, just getting to the next day, over and over, paying my bills, staying as inconvenient for my family even though I want to see them. The fact I’d get a home cooked meal that is actually good would just be a bonus.

I am so tired of being an independent person. Like I would love to have company, a good cuddle movie night, and just not have to shoulder all the responsibilities of adult hood. However I do not trust anyone to keep their end up the bargin up. I’ve had the live in boyfriends, the roommates, you name it, and beside the one angel, none of them wore worthwhile. Especially when I found out how they mistreated my Charlie dog. I hope they get hit by a fucking bus.

Anyway yeah so I’m just sorta stuck in my own demise. Cant really blame anyone for not trusting the world or being excited about being in it. That’s a me thing and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

I’m just counting down the days waiting for something to be over.

I’m just praying for either an astriod to end this.

Its always a great way to start the work week. Fixing over nights problems and being the only one in your department.

We made it

Lasy day of ring worm medicine! After two months of bull shit and hell and hair loss, its over. We are plague free!

So in celebration of said event, I put up my Christmas tree. I don’t think I really did it myself from ages, holidays are hell especially from a retail perspective.

The last time I really did a tree by myself, for myself, was when I had Charlie dog. I got a 3 foot chunk of a living fir tree and dressed it up in white lights and – honestly that is one of my favorite pictures of him.

Last year I spent thanks giving atleast with my folks for a minute and mom went all out with the tree, decorating it and loving the entire experience. And if it hadn’t been for her, I would not have bothered.

This year, I was freaking close to just checking the tree in the supply closet, getting a shrub, and call it a day. But I know my mom wants me to do something nice for the holidays, so since the dust mites are fungus free, I figured why not.

Its going to be a meh holiday season again, but atkeast the tree is nice to look at.